Honey Badger Don't Care

[pixietastic]

I was sitting in a bath towel on her queen size bed screaming at her, hung over as sin, seething with rage I didn't know I could muster, "what the ever loving FUCK, do you want from me!". This wasn't our first fight, it wasn't our last fight but it was definitely one of our more memorable and certainly one of our most repetitive. I'd asked her to leave about six months prior but had agreed that she shouldn't leave until she'd gotten herself established with a steady job and a decent living space. In the six months she'd succeeded in doing nothing but badgering me continually to love her again, which unsurprisingly wasn't really working out too well for her.

The thing was I hadn't stopped loving her, quite the contrary I loved her dearly, I'm sure somewhere under years of resentment and heartache I still do, but I'd reached a breaking point where I couldn't handle her in my space, and in control of every fraction of my life.

It's not that it was really her fault, she came from a controlling background and I don't think intended to bully, manipulate, and control myself and by extension the children, I honestly believe her damage runs deep enough that she to this day isn't aware of how her actions impact other people, and I'd come out of a horridly abusive and controlling marriage, by comparison she was lighthearted, easygoing, supportive and every thing I thought I needed in a lover.

The problem was as I began to heal from the emotional damage I'd sustained, she no longer felt we were on a level playing field and the stronger I got the more tension there was between us. At some point I found a tequila-flavored alternative to sanity, and for awhile we "made it work" in part for the children, in part because there really was a lot of love there, but mostly because we'd woven ourselves into a terribly codependent knot and the disentanglement was going to be a slow and terribly painful process for all concerned.

That fight though, that fight stands out in my mind, as she postured over me, chest out, back straight and I cowered dripping from the shower I realized she was nothing but a bully, and I just couldn't handle one more bully in my life.

"You don't care about anything do you?" she spat at me.

I sucked in a slow and steady breath, trying to stop the rage from blinding me and saying something I'd live to regret. As she sat there waiting for a response, goading me, pushing every last button I just snapped.

"You're right, I don't care about anything," I hissed, in an almost whisper, and then it hit me, a moment of rage-turned-brilliance, maybe this will get rid of the bitch. My voice was even, almost bemused, a careful mimicry of my former husbands calm while in a manic-rage, "I couldn't care less about any of you, I've just been playing this whole time, playing at giving a damn, playing mommy, and wifey, and good little girl. I honestly feel nothing, not for you, not for them (I gestured towards the room the children shared) nothing. Go ahead and leave, go ahead and stay, I don't care one bit."

The look in her eyes changed so completely, a horror mixed with the look someone gives you when you've just kicked a puppy as if it were a football at a PETA meeting. "You're a sociopath!" she accused, "you shouldn't have children." Now she was off, spiraling into some sort of calculated misery, spiraling and circling around about all the ways I'd deceived her as the tears streamed down her face.

I pulled my jeans out of a pile of clothes on the floor, and slithered into them in my best impression of a snake, grabbed a matching bra and panty set, a mini-skirt and tank top and tossed them into a canvas bag, along with the infamous stripper heals and a make-up bag, zipped up my hoodie and bolted out of the bedroom and towards the door, with a flippant "believe what you want," thrown over my shoulder like a scarf, as I headed off to work.



This is my entry for LJ Idol Exhibit A; topic "Honey Badger Don't Care". If you like it, I am very appreciative for any votes I get this late in the game :)

Comments

[tatdatcm.livejournal.com]

Lots of emotion in this piece.

The problem was as I began to heal from the emotional damage I'd sustained, she no longer felt we were on a level playing field and the stronger I got the more tension there was between us.

How sad that she couldn't be supportive as you healed and got stronger and that she believed that you didn't care about anything.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

I think this is a problem a lot of people encounter, especially if both parties have some damage/healing to do, if one person hangs on to their pain and the other grows and moves on... it can be very difficult to maintain a relationship.

[heeroluva.livejournal.com]

That seems like a horrifying situation to have been in.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

It wasn't all bad, but definitely in the end it was the break-up that just wouldn't die, and the longer we dragged things out the more we showed each other the worst of ourselves.

[fourzoas.livejournal.com]

I like the idea of the adopted posture of honey-badgerness here--we can learn something from our friends in the animal kingdom!

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

It's amazing how feral some fights can get. Generally I'm fairly goofy and mild tempered but in the right situation I've been known to be downright visceral, and she definitely had the skill to bring out the worst of my temper.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

I've found my relationships with women tend to have so much more emotional intensity. I definitely turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism near the end of our relationship, and no drunk is a nice drunk when they're being attacked, this story is horribly one-sided and I'm sure she'd have a hell of a rebuttal but basically we both put some heavy damage on each other.

Relationships are so hard some times.

I'm sorry things ended so painfully for you with your ex.

And thank you again for commenting, I know I'm terrible at replying, but I really do appreciate the effort.

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

The problem was as I began to heal from the emotional damage I'd sustained, she no longer felt we were on a level playing field and the stronger I got the more tension there was between us.
Sometimes there is great power in being the "healer" or the "rescuer," and becoming less needed really gets to some people. I'm glad you've hung on to this point, because it has to be one of the reasons you'll always know that ending it was the right choice. They dynamic of a healthier you didn't mesh well with her, and that's nobody's fault.

But it could have been unbearable if you'd stayed.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

We stuck it out much longer than we should have. You're absolutely right about the healer personality, I've foudn myself in her position in other relationships where as someone else got stronger/less needy I became resentful as they appreciated my (the only word that comes to mind is "smothering", but that's not quite what I mean) less and eventually I was cast asside as being too needy.

In an ideal world people with damage would work on the healing before getting involved with other people, but I suspect that's one of those mistakes you need to make in life in order to learn the full extent of the lesson.

Thanks for the comment :)

[alien-writings.livejournal.com]

That sounds like a terrible situation to have been in -- I'm glad you're not in it anymore.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

thank you, so am I.

And thanks for reading/commenting.

[simply-forever.livejournal.com]

How do you not have a published book on a best sellers list already? You are very talented, and I enjoy reading everything you write, even when it's painful, it's still written beautifully.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. Really that is a wonderful compliment.

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

Humans are so complex. We all have a dark side. Sounds like you did your best and I'm glad you safely moved on. Great writing!

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

yes we are quite complex aren't we? thank you so much.

[helenix.livejournal.com]

This is amazing.

I can't find you on the ballot. WTF?

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

here let me help :P

http://www.livejournal.com/poll/?id=1900866

And thank you so much for the compliment.

[theun4givables.livejournal.com]

Damn. I hate that moment of calm where you say the most hurtful thing you possibly can in order to get rid of someone. It's such an odd position to be in -- because you know everything you're saying isn't true, and you still can't stop yourself from saying it. It just comes out of you, no sign of remorse attached to it. I love how you depicted it here, even if this moment was certainly a difficult one for you.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

yeah I used to be a real hot-head and there were a lot of regrettable moments, less so as I'm getting older, I seem to have a better grasp of when it's appropriate to bite my tongue.

[jensi08.livejournal.com]

I hate being in the spot in a relationship where one is growing and one is not...it is so hard. You captured all of it well here and you are a wonderful writer.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much, and thanks for reading.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

Lots of emotion comes through here. Well done.

Just FYI, your last line should be "thrown over my shoulder" (not "should"), although the way I read it, it sounds like she left for work half naked!

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

Thanks fixed it, can't believe no one caught that before.

[lilycobalt.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that fight is over for you. It's only possible to fight, scratch, and claw so long before throwing in the towel--even if there are children to keep up appearances for. The animal imagery here brought a nice tie-in to the prompt.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

thanks for the read and comment :)

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*hugs* What a difficult situation, when it needs to end and can't.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

thanks.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

I like your word play on "badger"!

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

thank you, and thanks for reading.

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

Oh what a horrible situation to be in. I hope this is in the distant past!

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

not as distant as I`d like... but healing takes time. thanks for the comment.

[kehlen-crow.livejournal.com]

This is never effing easy. :/

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

*nods* break ups are hard.