Am I crazy?

[pixietastic]

I'm hungover, it's a cool morning in late September, and the floor has just fallen out from under me. At first it swells up from below, threatening to devour me like some beast. It's just the floor, the same cold hard tiled surface it's always been, but today everything is different. Today my tiny apartment, and it's cold hard tiled floor are trying to swallow me whole, and I almost wish they would.

"Mom! My sister wont share her kitty!" my younger daughter wails from their combined bedroom, but I'm not in the mood to play judge and jury over their latest war, I mumble something about being there in a minute, and they go back to wrestling over a toy neither one of them cared at all about yesterday.

I love my kids, more than everything, for years everything, every thought, every endeavor, every minute was about them, their needs, what was best. I walked out of my marriage because my husband, their father, didn't want them, and I couldn't imagine a world without them. I struck out on my own with no money and no life skills to try and build a life for us, a home, and every minute that followed for years after, was a struggle. The lights went out when I couldn't afford to pay the bills, when the job I had wasn't nearly enough to keep us all fed and clothed and cared for the way we needed to be. Finally now 4 years, 3 jobs and another failed relationship later I've found a recipe that works.

Yeah it was hard to get my head around taking my clothes off for money, how do you go from breastfeeding, baby-wearing, nerdy little secretary, to pole dancer, bar waitress? It was an adjustment, but after that first week where I made more money in 3 days than I had in the previous 3 months, it was an adjustment I learned to live with. Before I started working in one, I'd never set foot in a bar, and I was the girl who thought 3 glasses of wine was really excessive drinking.

Excessive drinking, like those tequila shots two weeks ago, what did I have? 10? Oh god that was stupid, the kids were away at a sleepover and I was out with the boyfriend, and we knew the bartender, Megan is a gem of a girl, but man, 10 free Tequila, I was looped!

I knew the next morning the sex wasn't a smart move, two weeks since my last period. But come on, I mean couples TRYING to get pregnant only have a 25% chance of conceiving on any given month right? I mean certainly the powers that be would forgive my one indiscretion.

Which brings me back to now, my life. I love my life. I have a job I'm good at, an enviable figure, I make enough to support my family without any hand outs. I have fun, and friends and a boyfriend and a life I love. I've built this house of cards on this job that I alternately love and hate, I drink too much, it's always a party when you work in a bar, but I'm not going to do this forever right? And without this job my life was crumbling. I will get out of the bar scene, when I'm ready.

I've moved up in the world, mostly out of the stripping and more into the bar-tending, Megan taught me, she was a great teacher, but you still have to dress the part, lingerie and heals, full make up, you have to watch what you eat, stay in shape.

So looking back down at this stick in my hand, with it's two pink lines, the world starts spinning again, the floor threatening to swallow me whole. I finally gather the nerve to say it aloud, just slightly more than a whisper, "I'm pregnant.".

If everything I've done for the last 4 years has been about my children, taking care of them, making the best for them, providing for them, if everything has been precariously balanced atop this job that is the antithesis of motherhood, I can't be pregnant.

But I am, and I can't honestly see myself not keeping it, I always wanted a third. Am I crazy? Probably, but I'm going to try desperately to make this work.





Edit 01/26/2013:

It's worth pointing out, that this is from the perspective of my mindset in September of 2011, baby Grace was born May 12, 2012, and has been nothing but a delight. Sometimes those moments in life wherein you feel you whole world is ending turn out to be wonderful new beginnings.

Comments

[skate97.livejournal.com]

This is great <3

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

thanks.

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

I hope you share more stories about stripping because it is something that fascinates me! I've always wanted to try it but never had the figure for it. I hope that the switch to bar tending helps even out what's bringing you down. <3

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

The bar tending has worked out pretty well, and the baby is a lovely squirmy 8 month old now :)

[theun4givables.livejournal.com]

<3 I remember going "She's f'in crazy!" when you posted you were pregnant again. But I also knew you'd find a way to make it fucking work. And I know you did. :)

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

:D yeah it worked out really well. And I'm so glad she's here.

[katsiss.livejournal.com]

I <3 the way this post is written! I have no doubt you'll make it all work out.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

I have I think... And I have a Gracie to show for it :)

[momlovesnoel.livejournal.com]

Absolute love!

[ilikerivers.livejournal.com]

I love this. :)

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

This feels like it could be about so many different people, just with a few details changed.

[adam-0oo.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, congratulations!

[lrig-rorrim.livejournal.com]

You did a great job with this - I particularly liked the way you described that world-tilting feeling where suddenly things are different, in a way you never considered. You set the scene really well for people not at all familiar with your personal history or story - I understood why you chose to go into the line of work you were in, and how conflicted you were about it. Just really well done, all around.

[noodledays.livejournal.com]

wow, and I'll bet a lot of moms (and women) can well relate.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

thank you for the comment.

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

what an inspirational story. Good luck to you. We will all want to know when the baby makes her debut. A blessing, for sure.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

Thank you. She is a blessing, and 8 months old now.

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

Awww. She already is here. Well, congratulations!

[phoenixsansfyr.livejournal.com]

Everything for a reason :)

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

:) indeed

[ohelectricshock.livejournal.com]

This is incredibly inspirational. You are awesome!

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

thank you very much.

[jensi08.livejournal.com]

Reality hits hard but judging from the comments you sounds like you are doing so well! There is always something better when you leave a bad situation, and now you have a new baby to prove that and a new life.
Congrats!!!

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

thank you. I am doing really well, it turned out a lot more positively than I had anticipated :)

[shanns-ljidol.livejournal.com]

As a former stripper (although I prefer adult entertainer) I went the opposite way. From stripping to being a wife and mother. I sucked at the wife part and some people would say I sucked at the mom part. But I did the best I could and my kids didn't ever want for anything because of the job that everyone I knew hated. No minimum wage job could have done that or allowed me to be home with them so much.

Congrats on the new baby. And, most of the other dancers I know are single moms too. It's not the antithesis of being a mom. It's just not the accepted "norm".

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the comment :) it's always nice to hear from other people who've worked similar professions (lets face it what constitutes adult entrainment varies from place to place as do the laws that govern what's "allowed" from one town to the next) I completely agree with you in that no minimum wage job could give you the same bang for you buck, and especially much when you factor in how much more time you have to spend with your children when you're not working 40-50 hours a week trying to make ends meet.


I think what I meant with regards to the "antithesis of motherhood" comment had more to do with the idea that a peeler bar is an environment that really perpetuates sex, but not sexual consequences (ie: pregnancy) I worked in the bar until I was 7 months along, and at that point quite obviously showing (I was behind the bar not actively "dancing") and there were a lot of mixed reactions, quite a few people felt it was "inappropriate" to have a pregnant woman in the strip club serving liquor, others through it was "really hot" but the overwhelming majority were of the belief that it was a real taboo as if women could be mothers and strippers/entertainers/sexy but not "at the same time" I suppose it's the whole Madonna/Whore issue/complex that a lot of men/women deal with.

[shanns-ljidol.livejournal.com]

I didn't really start showing with my daughter until I was about 8 months and I kept dancing. Oddly the more I did show, the more money I made. And when she was born my bosses and my regulars had my room filled with flowers and gifts and cards with money in them for my maternity leave. It was amazing.

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

Congrats to you. I'm sure you'll make it work. We do what we must for our children.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

thank you :)

I believe I've made it all work out, life is definitely in a better place than I thought it would be "in that moment"

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

Awww. :) I'm glad it worked out so well.

[phoenixejc.livejournal.com]

I love the honesty about the conflicting feelings you had in that moment. Thank you for sharing!

[occasionally.livejournal.com]

This made for a really fascinating read--especially in how you reflected on the contrast between motherhood and stripping, and the notion that you can't be pregnant and work at a bar (which you *can*, obviously, but not without getting a lot of flak).

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you were able to make everything work - congrats on baby Grace!

[medleymisty.livejournal.com]

Wonderfully written and personal and engaging. A++, would read again. ;)

[beldarzfixon.livejournal.com]

Well written and intriguing -- thanks for the postscript, glad to see things are turning out all right.