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Welcome to the Department of Redundancy Department, where we specialize in cyclical redundancy cycles. An original thought has not been had in ages. Everyone is bored and no one could give even an eighth of a damn what you say or what you want. As you're new here you'll have to fill out form 57A subsection 7 paragraph Q; New or returning Employees who haven't already filled out form 57A Subsection 7 Paragraph Q, containing the exact same information as Subsections A through P. Are you done? Good, now move on to the next 18 pages of exactly the same information just phrased differently so as to confuse you.
When you've been job hunting long enough and you've filled out enough "potential new employee" forms eleventybillion times and heard "we'll check your references and then call you next week" after every single one of them you learn to expect the disappointment when the calls don't come, or your calls aren't returned. That's when you know my friend, that's when you know you've been...
Black balled.
So you try and get creative, you list a manager who liked you, or even Debbie in accounting, yeah she always liked you, as your "most recent employer" hoping maybe, maybe that threat your boss gave you about never working in this town again if you leave, maybe you can work around it somehow. Week after week, interview after interview, you shake hands with the guys in head office who say you are the perfect fit for the position, they'd like to hire you to start Monday, just have to dot some i's and cross some t's if ya know what I mean.
Week after week, they don't return your phone calls, you speak to some squeaky-voiced receptionist who tells you not to call again that the position has been filled.
You know it's not you, right little buddy? I mean, shit you've never had a problem getting hired before, you're amazing at what you do, heck Scott-Allan Norris head hunted you out of a fortune 500 company, swept you right up, paid you more money than you ever thought you'd be making anywhere. Your resume is top notch, you ace the interviews and then they call. They call your references and they check up on your last employer and that's when it all goes south.`
That wretched cockweasel, always getting in your way, as a side note; is cockweasel one word or two? It must only be one word, I'd hate to waste precious space on that turdmuffin your boss is. Turns out once you work for Mr. Norris there really isn't anywhere else to go, wish they'd told you that on the original form 57A Subsection 7, Paragraph something or other, maybe it was on that godforsaken form, somewhere in the fine print masked by all those zeros at the end of the paycheck.
This job you do didn't look so bad in the beginning, on the surface it looked so normal, just some papers to shuffle, some golf on a Friday afternoon, lunch with the clients, it was all fine really until, well until the unpleasantness. No man, I don't blame you for not wanting to think about it, best to just block it out. Who knew when they said top shelf Scotch is just one of the job perks, how quickly it would become a crutch.
Well buddy there's not much you can do now, grab your pitch fork and get back to the mines, Scott-Allen Timmothy Andrew Norris is waiting for you down in the layer reserved for bureaucratic lawyers and used car salesmen, time to push some pencils around a desk, maybe chase some unsuspecting coworker around with a stapler. It was nice of them to give you that corner office. I mean really man, it could be worse, you could be one of those guys out there on the floor making phone calls under those fluorescent lights, asking people if they want to Switch to AT&T, or get their very own subscription to the New York Times. Those poor little gerbils making phone calls, in their little booths, trying desperately not to stick pushpins into their eyes, wonder what they did to end up here huh buddy? Who knew they had cubicles in hell?
This is my entry for week 11 of LJ Idol, topic: Recency Bias. This piece uses some of the same characters (universe?) as a previous piece though you certainly do not need (to read) one for the other to make sense.
When you've been job hunting long enough and you've filled out enough "potential new employee" forms eleventybillion times and heard "we'll check your references and then call you next week" after every single one of them you learn to expect the disappointment when the calls don't come, or your calls aren't returned. That's when you know my friend, that's when you know you've been...
Black balled.
So you try and get creative, you list a manager who liked you, or even Debbie in accounting, yeah she always liked you, as your "most recent employer" hoping maybe, maybe that threat your boss gave you about never working in this town again if you leave, maybe you can work around it somehow. Week after week, interview after interview, you shake hands with the guys in head office who say you are the perfect fit for the position, they'd like to hire you to start Monday, just have to dot some i's and cross some t's if ya know what I mean.
Week after week, they don't return your phone calls, you speak to some squeaky-voiced receptionist who tells you not to call again that the position has been filled.
You know it's not you, right little buddy? I mean, shit you've never had a problem getting hired before, you're amazing at what you do, heck Scott-Allan Norris head hunted you out of a fortune 500 company, swept you right up, paid you more money than you ever thought you'd be making anywhere. Your resume is top notch, you ace the interviews and then they call. They call your references and they check up on your last employer and that's when it all goes south.`
That wretched cockweasel, always getting in your way, as a side note; is cockweasel one word or two? It must only be one word, I'd hate to waste precious space on that turdmuffin your boss is. Turns out once you work for Mr. Norris there really isn't anywhere else to go, wish they'd told you that on the original form 57A Subsection 7, Paragraph something or other, maybe it was on that godforsaken form, somewhere in the fine print masked by all those zeros at the end of the paycheck.
This job you do didn't look so bad in the beginning, on the surface it looked so normal, just some papers to shuffle, some golf on a Friday afternoon, lunch with the clients, it was all fine really until, well until the unpleasantness. No man, I don't blame you for not wanting to think about it, best to just block it out. Who knew when they said top shelf Scotch is just one of the job perks, how quickly it would become a crutch.
Well buddy there's not much you can do now, grab your pitch fork and get back to the mines, Scott-Allen Timmothy Andrew Norris is waiting for you down in the layer reserved for bureaucratic lawyers and used car salesmen, time to push some pencils around a desk, maybe chase some unsuspecting coworker around with a stapler. It was nice of them to give you that corner office. I mean really man, it could be worse, you could be one of those guys out there on the floor making phone calls under those fluorescent lights, asking people if they want to Switch to AT&T, or get their very own subscription to the New York Times. Those poor little gerbils making phone calls, in their little booths, trying desperately not to stick pushpins into their eyes, wonder what they did to end up here huh buddy? Who knew they had cubicles in hell?
This is my entry for week 11 of LJ Idol, topic: Recency Bias. This piece uses some of the same characters (universe?) as a previous piece though you certainly do not need (to read) one for the other to make sense.
