Valentine in contrast.

[pixietastic]

I know this girl. I guess she'd be a woman now. She's the girl that so many people held responsible for Bill's undoing, I've never been of that camp, because frankly I"ve always just seen a scared and damaged little girl I wanted to save. But be proud of me, of all the stupid and ridiculous things I've done and all the abusive and too far gone people I've tried to save I have always kept the dancers and staff of strip clubs beyond arms length. I have yet to try and save anyone in that environment. Probably because by the time I started there I had realized I can't even save myself so what help could I bring to anyone more damaged than me? Insert disclaimer about how not all sex workers are damaged and in need of saving. But also it's a #notallmen thing to some extent. I'm not talking about healthy people here, I'm derailing my own point...

So this girl, whom if you tried you could probably track down a name on but I'm going to keep the vague as I know at least one "friend" I have on here is bit of a snake and I don't need much in terms of trouble, this journal has never been about anyone but me, and this will eventually get to the nervous breakdown of a point I'm having or making but saddle up because it could take awhile, get a fork this word salad will be delicious.

So this girl. Is as of yesterday homeless, 4 years younger than me, and strung out. And I want to do something but see previous points. And I can't anyway because there's nothing to be done. She's made her choices, she lost her kids (Whom she had at 19&21 - sound familiar?) some years back... she's been high ever since. And ya know. IN my own classist fucked up mind I"ve used her as a barometer for my own parenting failures, often at the encouragement of other staff or even "friends" of hers. "while at least you're not a _______, you parent your kids, you're a god mom etc." when I met her I even thought maybe I could mentor her, my kids are 4 years older than hers...

Thing is, she's lived her life for herself. Fuck the consequences. She hasn't (wouldn't, didn't, couldn't) grown up. She sobered up for awhile, Bill helped her get the kids back, he helped her in so many ways and his undoing in a strange way was hers.

But I've lived my life for my kids. I've stayed away from the drugs and a lot of the booze and general debauchery. I've dabbled lonely from a safe distance. And for years I've judged her.

And now here I am. Thinking maybe she doesn't have it wrong after all. Maybe we are all a stones throw away from walking away from our responsibilities and just being wrecked all the time.

I've lived my life for my kids.

She's lived her life for herself.

Neither of us are happy.

Comments

[notodette.livejournal.com]

I've lived my life for my kids.

She's lived her life for herself.

Neither of us are happy.



...


BOOM.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

Now see if I was my friend Darlena I would retell this in a way that some major publication would take it, and pay me money for it. But I'm not. So I'll settle for the "boom" as point powerfully made and drink to that <3

[morningloryblue.livejournal.com]

Whoa, this is powerful stuff.

[adam-0oo.livejournal.com]

You are a really good writer.