"Does this look infected to you?"

[pixietastic]

She was stark naked in the bathroom one leg up on a chair by the vanity, bent over trying to examine the latest thing she had decided was herpes.

"It's not herpes Lissa, you've been to the free clinic 5 times in the last 3 months," I told her, again.

"I know and they're sick of seeing me, but like are you sure this doesn't look weird?" she asked again.

I sighed, this I swear is the most glamorous, part of my job, and by glamorous I mean downright fucking bizarre. I must secrete a pheromone that screams "caretaker" or something like that, because whenever someone has a problem, I'm who they come rushing in to see.

"It's irritation from shaving Liss, honestly, if it doesn't itchy and the STI clinic says you're clean then I wouldn't worry about it, who've you been banging lately anyway?" I ask. Clearly I draw the line at being polite with women who ask me to stare at their assholes and examine them for invisible pimples.

Apparently that was the right question because for the next 25 minutes she told me in great graphic detail all about her latest slice of man-pie that she'd been not-sleeping with (apparently there was no sleeping involved).

I work with between 15 and 50 girls a week, most of whom are local, though lately we've had piles of girls from out of province, it's a good city to work in the money is decent, the work is steady and the customers can't touch, but even the out of town girls tend to be repeat business after awhile, some of them even moving here permanently, and I genuinely like most of them.

Somehow though staring down the business end of a bombshell blond with glitter plastered across her like some kind of infectious confetti has become somewhat common place. Shake your head if you like at that statement, but I'll offer three pieces of advice for anyone looking to get into the business:

1. Glitter and perfume are a no; no one wants to come home covered in sparkly evidence and smelling like a two bit tramp.

2. Toilet paper, tampon strings, and ejaculate all glow under black lights; personal hygiene is your friend.

3. Don't be an asshole; no really, you're not going to impress anyone by being a righteous bitch.

That last bit of advice can come in handy in just about any job, I'd imagine, though in most jobs, when you hear "hey could you take a look at this for me" you're not likely to wonder weather someone's hood piercing has come unclasped (that was fun to put back together...) or if the phrase "can you see my string?" will be the last thing someone ever says to you.

This is my entry for week 4 of LJ Idol exhibit B; topic was "Does This Look Infected To You?".