Throw back the little ones

[pixietastic]

Is there a return policy on children? How about an exchange? I think mine are defective. I'd like a full refund. Heck I'll go for a trade, I've probably spent a small house worth of money on these kids and honestly I'm just not feeling this whole "mom" thing anymore. I don't like the jeans that come with this gig they're too high up in the waist, and they do nothing for my behind, I prefer skinny's, and I'm really not feeling the "up all night" thing when they're sick or teething or having nightmares.

I still have nightmares, I mean just the other day I had one where I was driving a minivan full of children-covered-in-McFries to soccer practice while a baby wailed in a car seat and the damn McDonalds was out of McVodka!

I mean, I didn't really make an informed decision, ya know, like babies are cute with their pudgy little Michelin-Man arms, and round glowing cheeks, their little passed out in a sea of noise, milk comas, but all told, the commercials were misleading, I thought they'd stay small like that and playful. These ones are bigger and they have their own opinions I mean I've tried all the tricks in the manual and they STILL talk back, and the oldest one borrowed my SWEATER this morning, I'm not getting old enough for this, I want a do-over.

Can I bow out of my contract early, 18 years of commitment followed by decades of probation is sounding kind of trying right now. I mean how many more rounds of the stomach flu can we have? And those damn dance recitals, did you know they don't even serve liquor at those things? Eventually they're going to want cars and have boyfriends, or girlfriends or 3 eyed monkeys or whatever the kink-du-jour will be by that point, and honestly I just don't think I'm up for that.

I'd rather be in the Bahamas, did you know my step-daughter and her girlfriends are going to the Dominican Republic to drink those drinks with the little umbrellas for 7 days? I'm still waiting on that honeymoon my ex-husband promised me, don't think I'm going to see that vacation any time soon.

So can't I just return them? I mean the little one's barely been used I just haven't really had the time what with the older ones running around. And the older ones are in excellent used condition, even if the oldest is a little mouthy, I'm sure you could do something with that, a bow or some nice shoes and no one will even notice.

What do you say? Am I really past the refund policy? I'll even take store credit!

Silence falls over the crowd. She's kidding right? I mean my god she's a MOTHER for Christssake, those are CHILDREN she's talking about a slow tentative clap starts at the back, a snort and nervous giggle comes from the front row. She's got to be KIDDING... right?



This is my entry for week two of LJ idol exhibit A; topic: Throw Back The Little Ones

Comments

[notodette.livejournal.com]

This is along the lines of what I would have written. lol

[lilycobalt.livejournal.com]

Haha :D Babies have a way of being cuter when they're someone else's.

[alien-writings.livejournal.com]

Haha, this was quite amusing! ^_^

[fourzoas.livejournal.com]

I LOL'd. I can relate, and my kid is only three...

[kindredsgirl.livejournal.com]

hee hee hee! I can totally relate.

I think it would be good if we could *trade* them if not exchange them permanently, and get a taste of what we're missing.

It always seemed to me that a houseful of girls would be so much fun. and I LOVE babies! Want to trade my 13 and 16 year old boys for a while???

*grin*

The older one is obsessed with cars (he will quiz you about makes and models anytime you're out in public) and never remembers to turn his homework in on time. He has not figured out how to put away anything he takes out, including perishable items. On the other hand, he is extremely entertaining and will make you laugh when he's not making you pull your hair out in frustration. The little one has diabetes and a heart condition. Still, he is very sweet and adorable and funny . . . . these days though, he's always pretending to be a character he made up who is an android with an alien trapped in its body.

So. . .want to trade?????

*grins*

L

[frogsmom.livejournal.com]

lemme know if you find out where the night drop box is!

:O

[heeroluva.livejournal.com]

Well done. :D

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

I've had these moments with my sister, and I do give her back at the end of the month.

[pennywhistle.livejournal.com]

Can I have one? Or are you selling them as a set?

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

Funny!

[jensi08.livejournal.com]

Giggles...I loved this!! It describes many days with my eight year old strong willed girl!! :)

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

Okay, I don't have kids but I thought this was amusing. I'd be happy to take the little one off your hands - I'm not up for mouthy, yet! ;)

[phoenixsansfyr.livejournal.com]

Hey, they're far more fun to cuddle and then give back.... Nice entry, and every mom ends up feeling like that at some point (or most points)!

[kittenboo.livejournal.com]

haha, yeah i know those feelings well :)

[shanns-ljidol.livejournal.com]

Oh how many times I've felt this way.

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

Hahahahahahhahahaha! The reasons you gave for returning hte children are many of the ones that kept me from having them in the first place! Grins. Nicely done!

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

Great humor and yes, there are some very trying days with raising the little ones. But , no refunds.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I think my mom still wishes she could give us back. Though at this point she'd just settle for the boys moving out.

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

The 'getting you up at night' is honestly one of the worst, for me.

I liked the idea of the little one being 'barely used.' Oh how different it is when you've got the distraction of the others to deal with. :)

ETA: Oops, thought I hadn't commented on this one for some reason. Nope!

[porn-this-way.livejournal.com]

LOL! Pretty much alllll my friends who are parents tend to feel like this sometimes, it seems, but many are loathe to admit it, just out of shame or guilt or whatever. From where I'm sitting, it seems like the ONLY sane response! Props for having the guts to post this.

[witches.livejournal.com]

This made me lol XDDD

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

Loved it. :) I'm not much of a kid person, so this tickled my funny bone in all the right places.

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

Haha. This is great. I adore my kid, but - yes. There are days that, just - yes.

[java-fiend.livejournal.com]

She's kidding right?

I'm going to go with... sometimes? :-)

I imagine all parents have days/weeks/months where they feel exactly this way. lol... Very funny and a fun read. Nice work.

[phoenixejc.livejournal.com]

Ha! Nice. I think I would have liked it even more without the last bit. Let us wonder if you're kidding. Any of us who have kids or stepkids would know exactly how much you are and simultaneously are not kidding. Brilliant take on the topic.